Tag Archives: New Years

Snowflakes and beer bottles

I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to be embedded in a community of creative thinkers. Life in a coffee shop can be stifling, surrounded by the same smells of espresso and freshly baked muffins; the world of a freelance writer becomes a very small – almost claustrophobic place. But when I read a blog post like Shanley Knox’s – a writer, philanthropist and overall amazing person – it makes me step back and think about my current position.

(I know in a prior post I promised to think less. But the person I made that promise to was unable to follow through on a couple of his, so I feel no need to stay true to mine.)

Shanley described her 22nd year of life as the year of the “hot mess,” and I can empathize with this statement. I will be turning 23 in two months, and look back at the last year of my life as a shit-show of sorts. I completed college (and partook in all the celebrations that go with it), spent a summer in a depressive hole of unemployment, got my big break at a Chicago newspaper, moved into the city, made incredible progress at a rapidly expanding website, met dozens of new people and kept in touch with a treasured network of old friends. Not bad for a year, eh?

Where was I a year ago? Recently heartbroken, unsure about the direction of my life or career, in decent physical condition, maintaining a healthy relationship with my family and an even healthier one with alcohol. Aside from a few more bylines and slightly shorter hair, where I am now does not feel that different than a year ago. What have I been doing with myself?

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If I could turn my brain off…

I think too much. I think that is why I am a writer and maintain very close relationships with a carefully crafted group of friends. But here I am, thinking again. In addition to a constant stream of multiple thoughts, scenarios, fantasies, hopes, dreams and fears running through my head at any given instant, I externalize a lot of my thoughts with my friends. They know up to the minute work, family and, of course, boy drama. I like to talk out my feelings, get other people’s opinions, and usually end up ignoring them and doing whatever I want.

(I am blessed with truly amazing friends all over the country, who I know are there for me whenever I need them. I feel bad about the amount of time I spend chatting their ears off with my shit, but I know at the end of the day they put up with it because they love me and know how much I appreciate them.)

It is all part of my process, my need to think, know, ask, ponder, explore – it is all very journalistic of me. At the end of the day though, does all this thinking really help?

I spend a lot of time thinking about the decision I make, significantly more time than actually doing them. I over-analyze everything, yes everything, and it is exhausting. Too much of my life is lived in my head. What is wrong with me?

At the same time, though, I would never trade an ounce of my analytic abilities, my creativity or alter the way I perceive the world. Every observation can be inspiration for a story, each anecdote can slip into a story and any joke can finds it’s way into an article. My thoughts not only propel my life, but also my career and my passion. Is this process efficient: no. Has it been working for me thus far: sorta.

So, here is my new year’s resolution, in black and white, and as official as I can make it – in this blog. I want to live more, think less, and just do! It won’t be easy, but change never is.